Fighting Fake-Cake

Lately, I have had a desire for a chocolate cupcake with buttercream icing. Or two. Or four. Yes, it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

So, last night, I convinced Bosco to go to Food City and buy cupcakes or a small cake from the bakery. When I saw a chocolate cake on the counter I absolutely danced around the kitchen! I was sooooo excited! I have been wanting this for about two weeks now and it was finally here! CAKE DELIGHT!!!

Bosco cut a piece of the cake, took a bite, and said,"It tastes weird." I took one look at the icing and saw that it was that horrible, fake, imposter icing--whipping cream icing. YUCK!

There is something you should know... I am an icing snob. Icing is not an accessory to the baked good, it is the focus of the baked good.

Early in life, I understood the value of icing. When my mother made a cake, I didn't lick the mixer-beaters with the cake batter, I licked the beaters with the icing. When my cousin Judy scraped the icing off her cake, she gave it to me and I put it on top of my cake to have double icing. It was so simple because all icing was basically all the same, sugary, soft, and delicious. Until that fateful day that some sicko decided to add Coolwhip to the recipe.

I remember the first time I ate a piece of cake with whipped topping icing. It was missing something...like flavor. I didn't finish the piece of cake. More and more, at social events these fake-cakes started making appearances. At school and church potlucks, showers, birthday parties, they were popping up everywhere! I started checking out the icing before I would place a piece of cake on my plate in case it was "faux." Luckily, one of my friends joined my team and we started cruising the cake before it was offered to us so we wouldn't take a bite and fight the urge to spit it out on our plates. I have left many pieces of fake-cake hidden by napkins on my plates. Such a waste!

Now, bakeries are trying to pass it off as real cake. When Jordan was about five, I ordered a bakery cake for him and made the mistake of not writing BUTTERCREAM in all caps with large sharpie marker on the order form because someone in the bakery department assumed that children would want to eat an animation themed birthday cake made from something other than sugary, soft, lovely frosting. When I picked-up the cake before the party, I saw that it didn't look right. I asked the lady at the counter if it was buttercream and she said that it wasn't. I tried very hard not to react too much and I asked her why my order hadn't been followed. She told me that she was sorry, but with a huge smile continued to say that everyone just loves their whipped topping icing. So, I took the cake home and didn't tell Jordan. Imagine five or six little boys sitting OUTSIDE on June 1 in the summer heat and I pull the cake from its box. Imagine the look on their faces as their cake's icing does not just melt, but is sucked into the cake right in front of their eyes. My child looked at me and said, "Do we have to eat it? Some happy birthday, huh?" We are lucky he didn't need therapy.

So, I have been on a quiet mission to help others understand the wrongness of faux icing. Okay, I am not so quiet. At a Central Office potluck, I looked at this huge cake and asked, "Does this cake have fake icing?" Everyone standing around turned and looked at the fake-cake like it was a communist spy. Except for the baker. She looked like I had spit on her mother and proceeded to tell me that she used a special whipped topping and condensed milk to make the icing. She went on to say that it tastes so much like buttercream and I should try it. Okay, what is wrong with this picture? She is trying to make it like the real thing? But as I had already insulted her publicly by bringing attention to her counterfeit cake, I felt obligated to give it a try. Honestly, when I took the bite, I fought letting it drop out of my mouth onto my plate like I was a toddler eating spinach for the first time. YUCK! Needless to say, I left another piece of cake covered with a napkin like a shroud on a corpse.

PEOPLE, STOP MESSING WITH THE CAKE!!! Mark it with a warning lable like they do on cigarettes, alcohol soaked food, and toys with sharp edges. Because some of us want our icing! As Moses told the Egyptians, "Let my people go!" I am saying, "Leave my icing alone!"

Enough! It's time for Weight Watchers. Later!